No one has a plan for widowhood. And for some, it can happen without any warning. I’m sharing these five things that helped me so that those who find them in this same place might have a better plan than I did.
Deciding to not make any major changes for one year
In The Guardian, New Yorker Beatrice “Bea” Schwartz, a healthcare professional widowed in 2012, stated no one can prepare a woman for what she will face after the loss of their loved one. “The world is not sympathetic to what you’re going through. They don’t give you any time to grieve properly.” We are most vulnerable in this moment and we are also required to make important, long-lasting decisions for our own well-being. Right after a loss, many of us battle something referred to as widows brain where you can’t even think properly because you just feel like you have been hit with a ton of bricks.
I remember while driving I would miss on/off ramps because I was thinking of so many things, it feels as if you are in a fog. Relatives or others come in and all want to help but in this moment, you really need that time and space to process what is happening.
One of the best decisions I made was to wait for a year before making any big decisions. I cleaned up around the house and fixed things that needed repairing because as a caregiver, your time is spent taking care of your loved one, work and children if you have them. I worked as a counselor although it was difficult and still ran You Are Special.
You are not the same person one year later and because I worked in marketing and events, I knew that a year was not a long time. I think sometimes we think a year is forever.Susan Bradley has made some great statements in regards to something she calls, The Decision Free Zone, where the number one rule she has for women who suddenly inherit money whether from their parents, a business or the loss of a spouse, is to create an environment that is free from emotional-based decisions and free from others influencing you. Not making any quick or emotional decisions helped me grow into what would become my purpose.
Hiring a financial coach & following the plan
I knew I needed help figuring out what I did not know and where to go from here regarding my finances. I started studying about investing for widows. I read a lot and knew I needed help from an outside source. I had been following this amazing man, The Escape Artist, and began working him. He took a look at everything I was doing, challenged me to start recording everything I spent, and guided me to start reading books on finance. I realized I had made a lot of mistakes, but it was time to get a handle on things.
There were so many great things he taught me but the first and most important thing he said was, “no blame, no shame, just change”. That has stuck with me and although it took me a good year to figure life out, I slowly but methodically recorded all my expenses. Once I saw the whole year and what I was doing, I was overwhelmed and at first ashamed of not thinking through my expenses. The Bible says, “know the state of your flocks” (Prov 27:23), and that is exactly where I started. I learned to put into action what his suggestions and challenges. Then he suggested taking my counseling skills and become a life coach myself so I did and I just love it!
I have grown into a grief, life and financial transitionist where I help clients through certain kinds of financial transitions, such as widowhood like myself. It requires a unique skillset to help people through what is not only a big financial change, whether from business liquidity or sale, a personal injury settlement, an inheritance, or the settlement proceeds of a divorce and the major life transition that inevitably accompanies it, but in a way that fulfills your purpose and not someone else’s.
My mission now is to enable people to live their ideal lives by making the most of their assets, and teach them how to invest wisely for their future. I don’t heavily sell them products although I will recommend either an advisor or planner that fits with their personality when needed.
Hiring a coach was one of the best decisions I made and having him speak boldly to me and hold me accountable moved me closer into my purpose.
Taking a sabbatical
At one of my children’s weddings, I met a great guy who was a widower. He lost his wife a few months before I did. Neither of us had a year under our belts yet so our conversation was great, until he said he was on a sabbatical. I didn’t understand that concept so I asked him more about it. He said he moved away from his home where he and his wife lived and did not work for several months. I thought there was no way I could do something like that, but I noticed I had a difficult time getting out of my routine. After really thinking through it, I decided to take 4 months off to basically start to reinvent myself, figure out a new schedule, set up my days differently (we had such a scheduled life together) and really pray about what to do next. Do I get a job? Should I sell the house? What do I really want to do, what should I do? Just lots of time to think and not do. Not all of us can do that but if you are able too, I would highly recommend it.
Taking a sabbatical gave me the rest I needed and the ability to really focus and write down what I wanted in my newly reinvented life and who did I want to help as a result. For me, the loss of my spouse, what I also felt was my identity, taught me that my identity isn’t in what I do but who I am, married or not.
Going on an adventure
My first new adventure was cycling. I was just riding on the streets in my cool Townie. I would ride and get a coffee then I joined a group and took short little rides here and there but that was just the beginning. I made lots of new friends and had many amazing adventures.
I also took a trip. Someone in my family suggested and paid for me to go to Cabo San Lucas. At first, I felt guilty. How I can I leave when my husband is in the grave, buried and all alone? I had a lot of tormenting thoughts of guilt but this couple was so gentle and kind in encouraging the break and they knew I needed it. I decided at the last minute to go and I had such a fun time! It helped me get my footing right and just have a break and adventure. Even if you can take a short few days just to gather your thoughts, I would highly recommend it.
Asking others what they thought my gifts & talents were
This was enlightening. I began to ask a lot of questions. At this time, I was offered two big positions and I just could not bring myself to go back into 60 hour work week right then. So one of my sons (I have 4) encouraged me to start my own business and because I had experience in gifts years prior, as well as starting You Are Special, he said go for it. So I did and now have Nifty Package Co. It has taken a few years to integrate back into the business world and trust me, it has taken a lot of work but I have learned how much I truly love people, love business, love encouraging others and helping them succeed.
Things may change in the future but now I am not afraid of change and rather embrace it because ultimately I just want to help others.
