Life can be like a puzzle
The morning after my husband passed, there was this feeling of hopelessness despite my faith. I had no idea where to start and cried for many days. It seemed as if my life was a huge puzzle and I had no idea where the first piece was, felt overwhelmed and had many moments of feeling sorry for myself however I knew enough not to stay in that place because I realize standing water grows bacteria.
I had this very kind, wise and successful man, Mike Hickman, help me as I was deciding whether or not to sell my home 2 1/2 years after my husbands passing. This was last reminder of where I was and to not stay in that place meaning, all the memories tied to it and it would be difficult for me to move forward without taking some of those more serious steps. I am so glad for that council and the timing of it and now I was ready and I had been talking to my children about it so they were aware and ready to help
I still struggle with my feelings on occasion then I just pull out my list of what I am thankful and grateful for which helps me put things back into perspective.
I think for widows and widowers, some friends and family don’t quite understand that the loss is not just about the spouse but all the other losses that come with it. There is a hole at the dinner table, no one driving the other vehicle, no one to get a treat, a gift, or a coffee, or a person who knows you so well that they get you your coffee just the way you like it, pretty soon the quiet is very loud. Sometimes it feels like an empty life of what that promise held, weddings, grandchildren, proms and retirement. The way you slept, his side of the bed, the grandfather you trusted, and even the planned and unplanned vacations you dreamed about.
There is a lot that a widow or widower might have to deal with. I read a great statement in H Norman Wright’s book, Experiencing Grief where he said, “You become a foot watcher,” for a season. You have some intense feelings no one except someone who has experienced a similar loss can relate too.
However, as you walk through the journey of gaining a new life which is really what you need to do even if the steps are small, you are still moving forward.
Taking the right steps was a lesson I had to learn and in order to save you time, I will share what helped me. I actually began to feel a sense of empowerment as I educated myself and asked many many questions. I am so thankful for all those who helped me then and continue to help me grow.
Getting Organized
When you first experience the loss of a spouse, the tendency is to feel completely overwhelmed, listening to others who seem to know more than you so the tendency is to give over trust to someone who might have more knowledge than you feel you do.
Awareness
I needed to be aware that I did not know things or how to do certain things and that I might need some help. The more information and understanding I had, the better decisions I could and would make. I think that as widows, we can offend others unintentionally. I needed to learn to take control (because everything can seem so out of control) and that confused others when I was so used to others doing so much and a lot of times, many still feel like they want to help me. I have no problem asking for help but I also needed to learn on my own. The tendency for a financial advisor, especially if he or she sells certain products, is to lead you in a direction that might be good for them but not for you. For example, I found through a hard lesson, that I am better with hard assets and not investments until I learned and understood for myself what I wanted to invest in. That is why:
Time is Needed
Time is needed for you to start to understand yourself, to understand your situation, to plan for your future and even the guilt that you have to process because your spouse or significant other passed and you are living. We tend to live in fear and make wrong decisions based on that fear whether we have a dollar in the bank or have inherited quite a large sum. The best advice I can give is give yourself a good year before dating and before making important life changing events like selling your house. You change over the year, you learn to become more independent and as you grow in knowledge you begin to see what you might want or not want. Give yourself time and the more you learn, you develop confidence in your ability or confidence in others who have your best interest at heart.
Rather than piecemeal financial education here are some good steps to move from the out of control helpless feeling that some widows face.
Educate yourself
When you are ready although sometimes you never feel ready until you take that first step. I would suggest educating yourself on everything. Many people wanted to help me and I even lost some friends over that but I needed to learn everything from being a single parent again, understanding and paying bills and planning my future. This can seem daunting but actually wisdom creates confidence and for me, I was not confident in anything including driving. I did not know how to personally budget. I could budget a non-profit but not a personal budget. My oldest son came over, put me on a budget and to get rid of what I did not need. He was trying to teach me to pay all my bills online and I really struggled with that. He at 26, was facing his 50 year old mom who did everything on paper where he did everything online, and trying to teach me. He laughed at me when I had anxiety over throwing papers away. He crumpled each one up, tossed them into the trash to never be seen again. Well, that night, I got up, tiptoed across the floor, no one cared and Taylor was at his house so why I did that is beyond me, but I pulled every paper out and filed them and put myself slowly over the next few months, on bill pay online.
So, to start, lets look at options for financial wisdom.
Get a handle of all you and your husbands financial, business, home, bills and debts
As I began to go through everything, I found out a lot of things were neglected unintentionally because he was sick for several months and I was caregiving plus handling my responsibilities. I had one of my sons come in and go through everything. He helped put things in piles of what was due, what I need to look at and respond to by date and this helped me tremendously. He had no agenda except help me get through the first month. This took my eyes off of my grief briefly and helped me think through what needed to be done. As I went through all of these documents, I then was learning a lot about things. I had to negotiate several things, call and change all responsibilities into my name, fax and send the death certificate everywhere. It helped me take my eyes off myself and feelings.
Gather everything together and begin to put in piles or see if someone can help you that you trust to not take over so that you can learn. Remember, understanding, learning and doing helps alleviate fear. Fear can creep in at any moment which can then lead to making rash and potentially long term mistakes.
A suggested list of items to locate and understand
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Will and trusts
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Bank account information
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Business partnership info
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Vehicle information
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Rights to social security (get info for this)
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Children’s info
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Utility bills and phone bills including internet/cable bills
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Outstanding debts/credit cards close his and put your name solely if you desire to keep these.
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Any projects in the works like home repairs. You can get a good handy man there are plenty on Yelp.
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Any other assets or liabilities including cars or investments and savings.
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Any bookkeepers or CPA’s to help determine any taxes I have an excellent AE who helped me see the future of my decisions and she let me make those decisions. This is very important because I made decisions on my own which cost me a lot of money which could have prevented.
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Money market accounts or stocks/bonds
At this point, you can gage about where you are and what you might need to live on. Maybe you have received an inheritance but maintaining that and growing it is key.
The goal is to make long term financial planning decisions and not just react to what happens. As a widow, you need the opportunity to learn and make your own decisions.
Financial education can really help you in the process of gaining some form of control even in your emotions. When my husband went into the hospital after having a saddle pulmonary embolism which as a result of that, despite cancer being everywhere in his body, I was faced with a mountain of responsibilities. I needed to develop a good financial plan starting with organizing all my documents, home, family, personal will and trust was critical to help me move through those times. The more I personally began to understand where I was financially, the more I began to know where everything was, I then became more confident. Widows need an understanding of financial matters.
Should you work with a financial coach or planner/advisor?
This is a very personal decision that each person needs to think through and they can come at different steps. Financial advisors help manage what you have accumulated and helps direct those funds by giving them control of some or all of your assets and they manage that for you. A financial coach helps you get to the place of accumulating wealth by educating you on how to increase your income, helping you to steward well, and teaches you to be empowered to make your own decisions financially. The coaching model helps you build your wealth, manage your money yourself and to make informed investment decisions.
I started with a financial planner and for me, that was not the best decision because I was ready to hand over everything to him trusting him more than myself. I could not sleep at night I was so stressed about it. I needed a little more understanding and decided to take control of my own financial life then needed to be patient in that process. I studied finances, what to do and how to do it. I constantly read blogs, books and listened to podcasts and still do every day. What I knew was that the poverty rate of single women over the age of 50 is approximately 20% is 4 times that of married women and men. (Lee & Shaw, 2003) I had a terrific advisor and I would recommend him to anyone however, I personally needed a more hands on approach but others may want to have someone help them. I do recommend an advisor or planner and a finance coach so it really depends on you, your personal style of management, do you like a hands on approach or would you prefer someone to help you. I do think I will make a decision eventually to move to an advisor but for now, I am managing my assets, growing them and educating myself continually.
As widows, our living expenses may be cut by about 80% but our income can drop to 50% or even less if you were not working which was my situation so understanding is very important.
Next time I will talk about Financial Goals.
I hope this helps someone!
~Michelle
