Elizabeth Bennet walking through the courtyard in Pride and Prejudice in the opening of the classic film story, is one of the most profound scenes ever. She is walking from a garden area in to a busy house full of life. It is just a perfectly profound scene. Finding love again for a widow is very similar to this scene walking through the seasons of life after loss.
Jane Austin captures many of us in this scene and for myself, this is probably the 10th time I have seen the movie because it just a well made film and a great romance. What is so silly is I still cry at the same spots while knowing good and well where this is heading.
As I watch it again, I’m thinking about the reality that many of us as women think what a great romance between the two main characters. But somewhere between doubt and life’s daily activities and the reality of life, still lies the hope that we may experience a great love or at least a great friendship.
Some of us have lost a great love, others are still possibly seeking it, many have it and some may have lost again.
It’s also a topic that most of us who have lost spouses have a difficult time talking about, let alone thinking about because it can feel like a betrayal. (And to be honest, I have not wanted to be to open, it is a private area but asked about quite a bit). Questions arise, am I betraying my husband or the memory of him? Or the relationship or the children.
It is also a topic that can come up quite a bit as you process through these questions. I have some amazing friends, these are good topics which can be sensitive but also enlightening as we all discuss our thoughts and feelings on the subject of finding romance again. I also talked to each of my adult children and have asked their thoughts, every single one is supportive and actually had words of wisdom regarding it.
Dating Again
I have been asked about widows and dating. I have been told by men that widows are difficult to date and to build a relationship with. I have often wondered about that thought and probably agree with it more than disagree. Not everyone is interested in dating again, some choose to remain single and that is good and ok. Patience is key I think. Widows are way more cautious than Widowers.
The thought of another long term relationship is at this point, is a good one. For several years, I was not sure how I felt about dating. Don’t get me wrong, I like men! However, the reality of my own personal life, business, children and grandchildren brings me to the place of who would be able to handle that?
Online Dating
Last year some of my children encouraged me to try online dating. Oh my goodness! That was quite an experience for me. I had no idea how to describe myself so one of my son’s and his wife wrote it out for me. I was pretty impressed at their description so I used it. It was fun for a month but the reality for me, I work better with an organic type of meeting. I love the idea of friends, can you be friends first? Do fun things, be active physically and just enjoy getting to know each other without the pressure of a relationship and commitment.
Some of the questions asked by the sites for online dating like, “Are you a woman looking for a man?” Not really but yes, just that question for me, do I have to pay for a date? It’s a different season for sure. I was asked by one man if I owned a hot dress. What does that mean? “What’s a hot dress,” I asked, “I have a few, the fabric is a little thick but I love the dress.” I don’t think that was what he meant. I met a few more men, one was great but just not for me nor was I really ready when he was ready for a long term relationship. How about dating far far away like The Widow Dating Club?
Timing
I encourage widows to wait to date for at least a year not too soon because you really don’t know who you are alone. The whole dynamic of your life has changed. This is a very important step in the process. I think because you feel there is a gap, you might feel the need to fill it faster than you are ready. I suggest trying online dating, some sites are good and fun.
For me, doing this helped me relax and actually see what I might be looking for in a man. I have found most important is that I am comfortable with myself, my age, my looks and realize life is different at 57 than when I was 34.
Some thoughts to think about as you potentially think about dating again.
Wait until you are ready, not when others think you might be ready.
Date for the right reasons, fun, joy, companionship not to rescue you.
You might feel guilty, realize that is normal.
Be you!
A man, a child, a business, finance…none of those matter if you are not happy with yourself. So date yourself first, take adventures, take classes in finance, or gardening or quilting or whatever you might really have been wanting to do, meet new people, join different groups, learn to cook well for yourself then you might be ready when you least expect it!
You won’t be able to replace your spouse and that is a good thing!
Build the relationship slowly.
I made a few mistakes, you might be able to learn from them. Have open and honest conversations about who you are really, your values and principles absolutely should align, this is key! Make sure you really know the person you are choosing to spend time with and potentially your future. If you don’t know your own values, let me help you here to help determine yours.
If you are looking for a list of key signs for a healthy relationship, this is a great list!
Key Signs of a healthy relationship
~Michelle
