When you are married, not to say if your not married you can’t experience these same feelings or stages because you will and probably do, but the tendency is to live with intent and purpose. For me, my purpose was raising children who were godly, good men and women who are great citizens on the earth and to support my husband in his dreams but inside there were still personal dreams because I am a dreamer for sure.
However, those dreams can shatter and can become confusing when you no longer have that person (can apply to business, or situation) in your life because for a lot of us as women, our lives wrap around our husbands, children and the relationships we had together.
“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life,” J. K. Rowling
My journey started with discovering the need to unlock a new purpose and for me because of my faith, I prayed for wisdom and what ultimately was God’s will for my life, how to do that became a new challenge so that I could continue moving forward in a positive way.
During that season, I was weary of counseling, weary of the work in the non-profit, not weary of the people just the work and a felt like ship without a destination and really, I had to face that it was exactly what was happening, I was a ship without a destination and I needed a reason to get up every day.
My hope is to help you somehow find your purpose asking some questions in a self discovery way because purpose is essential to help us get back into living with intention and begin to feel alive again.
I have noticed so many widows and widowers remain in a place of hopelessness, sadness and the question of what do I do now? So to help me discover my purpose at this season of life, I had to ask a question, what is life asking of me now that my life has changed dramatically?
How to find purpose again can come similarly like a quote Viktor Frankl said in his book, Man’s Search For Meaning, he says you can find your purpose, ” by creating a work or doing a deed; by experiencing a value; and by suffering.”
Mark Twain said, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
Our purpose tends to start early and re-appears later which provides hope and resilience in a time of transition and drift.
Some questions to ask yourself to help you get started.
What do you focus on day in and day out?
Where do you spend your money?
Who do you donate too?
What subjects interest you?
Who, what community, do you spend time with and want to spend time with?
What are you good at?
What do you start doing and get lost in?
What pages on the internet do you search?
What do you think about?
Motives matter meaning, who are you living for besides yourself?
What is worth doing to you?
Do you ever ask the question, someone needs to do something about that and if so, what is that?
If you were given money, what would you do with it? How would you distribute it and you don’t have to be philanthropic, it isn’t about what you want people to think of you, it is about what you really want to do.
What keeps you up at night?
For me, over the past four years since I have not been serving in a non-profit, have felt sad about all the homeless people. I think about it constantly. I see them hiding in the bushes in the cold and in the hot. I am continually wondering how they manage, who is helping them, what can I do?
Let’s pull from what Viktor Frankl said in his book, Man’s Search For Meaning, ,
by creating a work or doing a deed;
What does Frankl mean by doing a work or a deed? For me, it is something I can touch and feel. Through the work I did before, there really was not a finished work. With my children now, I can see the progress in their lives but with that I did, counseling and helping the marginalized, it did not end. With the gift company, when I finish a gift or a project and hand it to someone, and there is a positive impact and it is complete. Whether or not this changes, it fits one my personal values, giving. Although for the moment, I work in for profit, with finished projects, I get satisfaction. I also love to cycle now. I am a little hesitant for this season after the accident but I am passionate about it and when I finish a long ride or climb, I feel satisfied and very happy and accomplished. How about sewing? I quilt too. I am almost finished with my 8th grandchild’s blanket so when that is finished, I feel very happy that one more cool thing done! These are tangible things or even like a degree or certificate, or intellectual accomplishment. It gives a sense of satisfaction that something has been completed. So take a piece of paper and write out things you like to do that have a finish or a completion. This is about you, not serving someone. What you do and are good at and are able to express it in tangible ways.
by experiencing a value;
Purpose calls us to live by our values. What do we center our lives around? For example, now I have a large family. Although I love cycling, work a lot and am building a few businesses, when someone in my family needs me, I set everything down and go because they are my priority. If I say they are, then my actions need to line up with what I say. If I say you are important, but pick up my phone every two minutes, are you important or is the phone important? Of course, I have to work and exercise but this is where value comes in. The way I orient my life creates this value. I personally live by mission. I am a free spirit on one hand but I take my responsibility very seriously so I live by my values. Who do you treasure and how do you live that out everyday? If you say you love, how do you love? This question has more to do with others than with you.
and by suffering.”
I don’t know about you but my suffering has created in me humility, a desire to help others and taught me a lot about myself.
Although there is a season we walk through with grieving about something we have suffered through or have been a victim in a situation, this could involve a close relationship, a business loss, physical loss or illness, abuse, being laid off, or a great financial loss, but in that we don’t want to remain a victim and have our identity wrapped around that. We get comfort from it, we get sympathy from it but my challenge to myself and to you would be, yes, your loss can be part of your story but we should not make it our identity. I might be a widow but I want to be known as kind, generous, financially savvy, a business owner, a cyclist, a mom, a grandmother and a woman with a greater purpose than the suffering I have experienced so I can encourage and empower others to move forward in their lives despite their suffering.
Really working on making these positive changes in our lives and thoughts will require us to look in the mirror, love what we see and perhaps make the necessary changes to seek out our personal purpose. Then when the uncertainty and confusion begin to dissipate, our priorities can shift in new ways, bring new hope and we can gain new confidence and begin to shape a new story based on what we have had to walk through.
Tim Grover, Michael Jordan’s Coach, said, “Everyone has a gift, its up to you to figure out what that gift is.”
So ask yourself, what will I center my life around now? Be honest with the questions above and start to see your strengths as your gift to humanity.
~Michelle
